Watching Paint Dry…NOW IN 3D!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Eventually everything will be in 3D. Everything. Every movie, t.v. show, sporting event, political debate and Viagra commercial. Yup that middle aged man talking about his erectile dysfunction will feel like he is standing right next to you in your living room. Reach out and try to grab his boner…you can’t cause it’s not really there. It’s in 3D!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Alright you already picked up on the fact that this is yet another blog that will make me sound 80 years old instead of 30 but hear me out. I’m serious about that Viagra ad. It’s a product that’s prime for 3D in your face jokes and with 3D televisions hitting the market why wouldn’t they make their ads in 3D…it would get people to watch commercials again. But rather than focus on 3D TV, other than to say I wouldn’t buy this product first generation, I’ll stick to film where it seems each day another movie is being released in 3D.

Last week James Cameron said something very true about Hollywood and their love of 3D:

“There’s an evolution, and people are starting to not accept inferior forms, which is good.  But it’s typical of Hollywood to get it wrong. We do a film that’s natively authored in 3D — it’s shot in 3D.  So they assume from the success of that, that they can just turn movies into 3D.  In 8 weeks.  You know, just throw a switch on 3D and that’s gonna work somehow.  If you wanna make a movie in 3D, MAKE the movie in 3D. It should be a filmmaker-driven process and not a studio-driven process.”

I think 3D is an overrated technology. Mostly it is gimmicky and does nothing for the storytelling. It’s an amusement park ride. Last year I saw three films in 3D. (I could have seen more but opted to see Up in traditional 2D. Pixar doesn’t need 3D to wow me.) One film I saw was The Final Destination 3D. This was the crappy amusement park ride and it was fine, low rent 3D that I would have hated or liked just as much in 2D. I also saw Coraline and I have to admit I was impressed by the 3D. And of course Avatar which I was also impressed with but questioned if I need 3D to actually be impressed by it (I meant to see it in 2D but never got a chance). Coraline and Avatar were the first 3D films I had ever seen in which they used 3D as a storytelling device. They were films about transporting you to another world thus the 3D could be relevant. Also, like King Cameron says these were both “filmmaker driven.” It was as much of a creative director’s choice as it is to shoot in color or black and white. Since I admire both Cameron and Henry Selick I figure see the films the way they meant them to be seen. It’s the same reason I will always go to the theater in the first place over seeing a film at home: All movies are made to be seen in a theater.

But here’s the problem. I just watched Coraline the other day on HBO and I was just as moved by it. I was just as awed by the visuals. Why? Because it’s a great film 3D or 2D. Did the 3D really transport me more into her world? Maybe, but I felt drawn in seeing it a second time on my t.v. In fact I’ve been drawn into 2D films my entire life. Was I immersed in the same way I was by 3D? Maybe not but why do I have to be totally immersed in the film? (beyond emotionally of course) There is a trend to try to make us feel like we are IN the movie. People love the Bourne films for that reason. I don’t like the Bourne films and that is one of the many reasons. Watching film to me is somewhat of a voyeuristic activity. I want to watch a film and watch these fictional characters lives. The Bourne films try to make you feel every punch to the point I can’t tell who’s throwing the punches. Give me the more straight forward shot action of Die Hard or a James Cameron film…even Avatar.

But maybe the 3D in Avatar did transport you as James Cameron intended. I can’t deny that I did feel like I was brought to another world. Great, James Cameron knows how to make a 3D film but guess who doesn’t – 99% of Hollywood. For every Coraline and Avatar there is going to be a Monsters vs. Aliens and Clash of the Titans. A few weeks ago the geniuses over at Warner Bros. decided to push Clash of the Titans back to convert it to 3D. This is exactly the type of move Cameron was complaining about in the quote. This movie was not filmed in 3D. It was never meant to be in 3D. And yet it will be released in 3D. This is 3D for a profit not to transport us anywhere. This is cheap 3D, just as cheap at The Final Destination. It’s the amusement park 3D and guess what – you’ll be paying amusement park prices to go see it. We are paying 3 or 4 bucks more per person to see these films in 3D and they are not going to all look like Avatar. How can a family afford to bring the kids to see the Shrek 3D movie? The prices are insane and I wonder if people will save their cash and only see the Avatars in 3D – you know the big artist driven spectaculars not some sloppy Clash of the Titans film. I hope people won’t just swallow any 3D they’re spoon fed.

That said many films are now being filmed in 3D. There is talk the new James Bond film will be made in 3D. I love Bond but will not pay to see him in 3D. I have seen twenty some odd Bond films in 2D. There is nothing visually transporting about Bond in 3D and if they turn it into a gimmick with Bond constantly leaping out of the screen that that’s just as bad as Jaws 3D. See, that’s the other thing that impressed me with Avatar and Coraline and why I am convinced they will have long lives on 2D DVD…they didn’t rely on shit jumping out at you. You felt surrounded by the world rather than have things constantly coming at you. In 2D that will still feel like it was filmed naturally but if things leap forward in the frame constantly in a 2D viewing then clearly the gimmick is over taking the storytelling. Toy Story 3 is in 3D. I will see it in 2D. As much as I respect Pixar I don’t need to go to the world of toys in 3D. I was awed enough in 2D with the first two films. I don’t think I will get anything new out of it nor will it drive the story more.      

Where does the 3D end? Some people say everything will be in 3D…but why? Does the new Woody Allen film need to be 3D? It would serve no purpose. Will I really feel like I’m right there on the upper east side of Manhattan? I mean when we say everything does that include those films? I can’t believe that. I gotta believe 3D will be for action and kid’s films…but maybe that’s being naïve.  There is talk of reissuing old films in 3D. If Lucas wants to make Star Wars in 3D, fine, that’s his decision but what’s going to happen when a studio wants to turn a film into 3D just for kicks and profit. Would Kubrick have been happy with a 3D 2001? And by turning it into 3D isn’t that a kin to colorization one of film histories most deplorable ideas!

And by the way if we are going to have everything in 3D please do something about the fucking glasses! We must have the glass technology if we have the 3D technology. It’s just uncomfortable wearing them for two hours or more. I already wear glasses so putting these glasses on top of my normal glasses is a real pain in the ass. Even though I was captivated by Avatar I still fiddled and was distracted simply by the fact I was wearing glasses! Who wants that for every movie? Once in awhile maybe but for everything? At home on your 3D TV too?  

I guess what I’m preaching for is 3D in moderation. To say it shouldn’t be around at all is silly. It’s a technology that’s out there and if filmmakers want to use it they should. But it’s getting out of control when theaters start charging so much more and studios are making a film 3D just because they can. It’s like Jeff Goldblum says in the 2D classic Jurassic Park:

“Yeah, but your scientists were so preoccupied with whether or not they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”

Maybe I’m being a bit dramatic but it’s kind of the same thing.

Next weekend one of my favorite stories of all time is being brought to the big screen by a director who I think is a true original. I am of course talking about Tim Burton’s Alice in Wonderland. It’s in 3D and I wonder if seeing it in 2D would really diminish my enjoyment. It was filmed in 3D and it was an artist driven choice and it does try to “transport” us down the rabbit hole.  For those reasons I’ll probably see it in 3D. I’ll probably enjoy it. Then a few months from now I’ll probably enjoy it just as much at home, 2D, no glasses necessary.